I have to confess, I have always been worried about the rapture. Not because I'm afraid I might miss it, but for a number of other reasons. Firstly, I don't want to look like an idiot when I arrive in Heaven with these kids, and discover I'm the only one who didn't get the memo about the 70's dress-code. Secondly, because it might happen while I have a migraine, and I'd hate to be all grumpy in heaven. But mainly because I worry about all the good people left behind. And by good people, I mean of course my pets. It's all right for all the blasphemous heathens and unreprentant sinners, they had their chance. I am worried about my goldfish, Fluffy. Who will feed and love all these Christian pets once we believers go to our just reward?
It keeps me awake at night I tell you. I have often wondered whether I am being selfish by wanting to be saved. Surely 7 years of hell on earth is a small price to pay for the knowledge that your hamster has a good home.
Thankfully that will no longer be necessary. I have found the perfect solution... Eternal Earth-Bound Pets.
This US based company guarantees that "Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus."
That's right folks, for just $110 they will send someone to your house within 24 hours of the Rapture being confirmed in order to rescue and adopt your loved pet.
I wondered how we could be sure that this was legitimate, and that they weren't secretly christians. It turns out that "Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation."
Oh well, that's a load off my mind.
Now if only I could do something about the migraines.